Question: Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jesus. JESUS WHO? Answer: Uhh you don’t know Jesus?

Question: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Answer: He's all right now.

Question: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Answer: Because he had no guts.

Question: What did one nut say as he chased another nut? Answer: I'm a cashew!

Question: Where do fish keep their money? Answer: In the riverbank

Question: Why was it called the dark ages? Answer: Because of all the knights.

Question: Why did the tomato blush? Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Question: Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? Answer: She was a roman catholic.

Question: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? Answer: A spelling bee.

Question: Why did the kid cross the playground? Answer: To get to the other slide.

Question: Why do birds fly south for the winter? Answer: Because it's too far to walk.

Question: What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song? Answer: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

Question: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Answer: Because it's a little meteor.

Question: What do you call two barracuda fish? Answer: A Pairacuda!

Question: What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Answer: Ketchup.

Question: Why is Peter Pan always flying? Answer: Because he Neverlands.

Question: What do you do on a remote island? Answer: Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

Question: Did you know that protons have mass? Answer: I didn't even know they were catholic.

Question: Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Answer: Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Question: Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? Answer: It drove down the road and turned into a field.

Question: When will the little snake arrive? Answer: I don't know but he won't be long...

Question: Why was Pavlov's beard so soft? Answer: Because he conditioned it.

Question: Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Answer: Guilty

Question: Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? Answer: He wanted to see time fly!

Question: Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Answer: There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Question: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Answer: Because it was rated arrr!

Question: What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? Answer: "Don't look I'm changing!"

Question: Why did the man run around his bed? Answer: Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

Question: What did one wall say to the other wall? Answer: I'll meet you at the corner!

Question: How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: A Brazilian

Question: What do you call two guys hanging out by your window? Answer: Kurt & Rod.

Question: Why was the robot angry? Answer: Because someone kept pressing his buttons!

Question: Which is the fastest growing city in the world? Answer: Dublin'

Question: What do you call a snake who builds houses? Answer: A boa constructor!

Question: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? Answer: I don't know and I don't care.

Question: Why did the sentence fail the driving test? Answer: It never came to a full stop.

Question: What do you get when you cross a pig and a pineapple? Answer: A porky pine

Question: What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Answer: Lil Caesars

Question: Why did the banana go to the doctor? Answer: He was not "peeling" well.

Question: Why is it always hot in the corner of a room? Answer: Because a corner is 90 degrees.

Question: What did the beaver say to the tree? Answer: It's been nice gnawing you.

Question: How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? Answer: You use a pumpkin patch.

Question: Why do cows not have toes? Answer: They lactose!

Question: What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? Answer: I’ll ketch up

Question: When is a door not a door? Answer: When it's ajar.

Question: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Answer: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

Question: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Answer: Look for fresh prints.

Question: Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Answer: Dunno, they're just a bit shady.

Question: What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Answer: Anna One, Anna Two...

Question: What kind of music do mummy's like? Answer: Rap

Question: What's large, grey, and doesn't matter? Answer: An irrelephant.

Question: What did the dog say to the two trees? Answer: Bark bark.

Question: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Answer: Because then it'd be a foot!

Question: Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? Answer: They mostly wrap.

Question: What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Answer: Douglas.

Question: What did the mountain climber name his son? Answer: Cliff.

Question: Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Answer: Because it's bound to squeal.

Question: Why are mummys scared of vacation? Answer: They're afraid to unwind.

Question: What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? Answer: A stega-snore-us.

Question: What has three letters and starts with gas? Answer: A Car.

Question: What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? Answer: 1forest1

Question: What kind of tree fits in your hand? Answer: A palm tree!

Question: How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Answer: Ten-tickles!

Question: Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle? Answer: Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

Question: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? Answer: A tuba toothpaste.

Question: What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Answer: Squash.

Question: What do you call corn that joins the army? Answer: Kernel.

Question: Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? Answer: They don't have the stomach for it.

Question: Is there a hole in your shoe? Answer: No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?

Question: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? Answer: You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

Question: Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? Answer: It reads “Small medium at large.”

Question: Why don't sharks eat clowns? Answer: Because they taste funny.

Question: What do you call a fish with no eyes? Answer: A fsh.

Question: What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Answer: Quacks in the pavement.

Question: Why did the knife dress up in a suit? Answer: Because it wanted to look sharp

Question: Why do bears have hairy coats? Answer: Fur protection.

Question: What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? Answer: A bah-humbug.

Question: What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Answer: Do you smell carrot?

Question: "Dad, do you think it's going to snow this winter? Answer: " "I dont know, its all up in the air"

Question: Why do bees hum? Answer: Because they don't know the words.

Question: What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? Answer: A poutine.

Question: Where do bees go to the bathroom? Answer: The BP station.

Question: What is the best way to carve? Answer: Whittle by whittle.

Question: What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Answer: Sneakers!

Question: Why did the tree go to the dentist? Answer: It needed a root canal.

Question: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Answer: Because they might peel!

Question: What do you call a bee that lives in America? Answer: A USB.

Question: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Answer: One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Question: What concert costs only 45 cents? Answer: 50 cent featuring Nickelback.

Question: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Answer: BREATH!!

Question: What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? Answer: A Popsicle.

Question: Bad at golf? Answer: Join the club.

Question: What do you call a pile of cats? Answer: A Meowtain.

Question: How do hens stay fit? Answer: They always egg-cercise!

Question: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Answer: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

Question: What do you give a sick lemon? Answer: Lemonaid.

Question: What do you call an old snowman? Answer: Water.

Question: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Answer: Because they have nobody to go with.

Question: What does a female snake use for support? Answer: A co-Bra!

Question: which flower is most fierce? Answer: Dandelion

Question: Why are graveyards so noisy? Answer: Because of all the coffin.

Question: What kind of bagel can fly? Answer: A plain bagel.

Question: How many apples grow on a tree? Answer: All of them!

Question: What do you call a careful wolf? Answer: Aware wolf.

Question: Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Answer: Because they can't even.

Question: “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell? Answer: ” “Awful”

Question: What do you call a cow with no legs? Answer: Ground beef.

Question: Why are snake races so exciting? Answer: They're always neck and neck.

Question: What do bees do after they are married? Answer: They go on a honeymoon.

Question: Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work? Answer: Because he's used to working with a flue.

Question: Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? Answer: He made a grave mistake.

Question: What did one plate say to the other plate? Answer: Dinner is on me!

Question: what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? Answer: a labracadabrador

Question: Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Answer: Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

Question: What do computers and air conditioners have in common? Answer: They both become useless when you open windows.

Question: What do you call a monkey in a mine field? Answer: A babooooom!

Question: How do you steal a coat? Answer: You jacket.

Question: Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? Answer: They're really good at it.

Question: what happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ? Answer: A woolly jumper!

Question: Want to hear a joke about construction? Answer: Nah, I'm still working on it.

Question: Why do choirs keep buckets handy? Answer: So they can carry their tune

Question: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Answer: It's ok, he woke up.

Question: Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? Answer: They each got six months.

Question: Why can't eggs have love? Answer: They will break up too soon.

Question: Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made? Answer: It's jarring.

Question: Have you heard about the owl sanctuary job opening? Answer: It’s all night shifts but they’re all a hoot over there.

Question: Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Answer: Because it's not stroganoff.

Question: What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Answer: Butter me up.

Question: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Answer: He was too far out, man.

Question: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Answer: To go with the traffic jam.

Question: How much does a hipster weigh? Answer: An instagram.

Question: A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender? Answer: ’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

Question: What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? Answer: A Fermilabrador Retriever.

Question: What's blue and not very heavy? Answer: Light blue.

Question: Where did you learn to make ice cream? Answer: Sunday school.

Question: Where does Napoleon keep his armies? Answer: In his sleevies.

Question: What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost? Answer: A poultry-geist!

Question: What is the tallest building in the world? Answer: The library – it’s got the most stories!

Question: What kind of magic do cows believe in? Answer: MOODOO.

Question: What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Answer: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

Question: Why don't eggs tell jokes? Answer: They'd crack each other up

Question: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Let's go ride bikes!

Question: Where do hamburgers go to dance? Answer: The meat-ball.

Question: What do you call a cow with two legs? Answer: Lean beef.

Question: Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? Answer: They have no hands to knock on the door.

Question: Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? Answer: The hip Doctor!

Question: Why was ten scared of seven? Answer: Because seven ate nine.

Question: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Answer: Hare spray.

Question: Why do nurses carry around red crayons? Answer: Sometimes they need to draw blood.

Question: Why was the shirt happy to hang around the tank top? Answer: Because it was armless

Question: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Answer: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Question: Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Answer: Because she was stuffed.

Question: Did you hear the one about the giant pickle? Answer: He was kind of a big dill.

Question: How many bones are in the human hand? Answer: A handful of them.

Question: Can February march? Answer: No, but April may.

Question: What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Answer: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Question: Which side of the chicken has more feathers? Answer: The outside.

Question: Why are fish easy to weigh? Answer: Because they have their own scales.

Question: What did the scarf say to the hat? Answer: You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

Question: Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? Answer: He had a very esteemed colleague.

Question: What did the sea say to the sand? Answer: "We have to stop meeting like this."

Question: Why is it so windy inside an arena? Answer: All those fans.

Question: A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause? Answer: ” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

Question: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Answer: At the bottom!

Question: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? Answer: About 5000 miles.

Question: What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Answer: Make me one with everything.

Question: Why did the clown have neck pain? Answer: - Because he slept funny

Question: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Answer: Look, no hands!

Question: A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you? Answer: " "Pop," goes the weasel.

Question: Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Answer: Neither did he.

Question: Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot? Answer: It got in tents.

Question: What did the Red light say to the Green light? Answer: Don't look at me I'm changing!

Question: What did the ocean say to the beach? Answer: Thanks for all the sediment.

Question: What did the left eye say to the right eye? Answer: Between us, something smells!

Question: What do you call a fly without wings? Answer: A walk.

Question: Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Answer: Because they cantaloupe!

Question: What is the least spoken language in the world? Answer: Sign Language

Question: What do birds give out on Halloween? Answer: Tweets.

Question: Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Answer: Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Question: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? Answer: It gets toad.

Question: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? Answer: A fowl smell!

Question: Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? Answer: To the I.C.U.

Question: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

Question: Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? Answer: The baa-baa shop.

Question: Why did the miner get fired from his job? Answer: He took it for granite...

Question: What did the hat say to the scarf? Answer: You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.

Question: Where do cats write notes? Answer: Scratch Paper!

Question: Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? Answer: So you feel write at home.

Question: What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Answer: Well, the flag is a big plus.

Question: Why did the cookie cry? Answer: It was feeling crumby.

Question: What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? Answer: "HDMI"

Question: How do you make a 'one' disappear? Answer: You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'

Question: Where do you learn to make banana splits? Answer: At sundae school.

Question: What was a more important invention than the first telephone? Answer: The second one.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Answer: Frostbite.

Question: What do you do when your bunny gets wet? Answer: You get your hare dryer.

Question: Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? Answer: But most just have 4.

Question: Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? Answer: To hold his pants up.

Question: What do you call someone with no nose? Answer: Nobody knows.

Question: What do you call a girl between two posts? Answer: Annette.

Question: What do you call a criminal going down the stairs? Answer: Condescending

Question: What do you call a fat psychic? Answer: A four-chin teller.

Question: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Answer: It's two-tired.

Question: What does a pirate pay for his corn? Answer: A buccaneer!

Question: Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Answer: Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

Question: How are false teeth like stars? Answer: They come out at night!

Question: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? Answer: There was nothing left but de Brie.

Question: How does a penguin build it’s house? Answer: Igloos it together.

Question: What is this movie about? Answer: It is about 2 hours long.

Question: Why are pirates called pirates? Answer: Because they arrr!

Question: Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Answer: Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

Question: How does a dyslexic poet write? Answer: Inverse.

Question: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Answer: Aye Matey!

Question: Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Answer: Because he had a vowel movement.

Question: Whats a penguins favorite relative? Answer: Aunt Arctica.

Question: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Answer: An irrelephant.

Question: What do you call a group of disorganized cats? Answer: A cat-tastrophe.

Question: What is bread's favorite number? Answer: Leaven.

Question: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: The p is silent.

Question: How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Answer: Your head hits the ceiling!

Question: How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? Answer: There is a step by step guide.

Question: Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? Answer: The owlet malls.

Question: Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? Answer: So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

Question: What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? Answer: They can't control their pupils.

Question: What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? Answer: A metro-gnome

Question: Why did the coffee file a police report? Answer: It got mugged.

Question: Why was the strawberry sad? Answer: Its parents were in a jam.

Question: Why are ghosts bad liars? Answer: Because you can see right through them!

Question: Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Answer: Because there’s a Shortstop in between!

Question: What do you do when you see a space man? Answer: Park your car, man.

Question: Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident? Answer: To the I.C.U.

Question: How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Answer: Poker face.

Question: What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? Answer: An Orca-stra.

Question: What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Answer: Billy Jeans!

Question: Why does Han Solo like gum? Answer: It's chewy!

Question: Have you heard of the band 1023MB? Answer: They haven't got a gig yet.

Question: What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? Answer: They will give you a piece of your mind.

Question: Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Answer: A: Pasta la vista, baby!

Question: Why is the ocean always blue? Answer: Because the shore never waves back.

Question: Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Answer: Because he be lion.

Question: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? Answer: He wanted cold hard cash!

Question: Why do ducks make great detectives? Answer: They always quack the case.

Question: What does a clock do when it's hungry? Answer: It goes back four seconds!

Question: What do I look like? Answer: A JOKE MACHINE!?

Question: What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Answer: Twister!

Question: You know that cemetery up the road? Answer: People are dying to get in there.

Question: What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Answer: Sofishticated.

Question: Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? Answer: He had loco motives

Question: Can I watch the TV? Answer: Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

Question: What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple? Answer: Finding half a worm in your Apple.

Question: What do vegetarian zombies eat? Answer: Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

Question: What is the hardest part about sky diving? Answer: The ground.

Question: Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog? Answer: Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

Question: Who did the wizard marry? Answer: His ghoul-friend

Question: How many seconds are in a year? Answer: 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

Question: Ever wondered why bees hum? Answer: It's because they don't know the words.

Question: How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

Question: Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? Answer: It was udder destruction.

Question: How come the stadium got hot after the game? Answer: Because all of the fans left.

Question: Where does astronauts hangout after work? Answer: At the spacebar.

Question: What do you call a bear with no teeth? Answer: A gummy bear!

Question: What do you call your friend who stands in a hole? Answer: Phil.

Question: How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Answer: You will see one later and one in a while.

Question: What do you call a fake noodle? Answer: An impasta.

Question: What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? Answer: R2 detour.

Question: What's the best thing about elevator jokes? Answer: They work on so many levels.

Question: Where do rabbits go after they get married? Answer: On a bunny-moon.

Question: Why do cows wear bells? Answer: Because their horns don't work.

Question: Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Answer: Cause you shouldn't press your luck.

Question: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Answer: Damn!

Question: Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Answer: Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

Question: Why did the scarecrow win an award? Answer: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Question: Why does Superman get invited to dinners? Answer: Because he is a Supperhero.

Question: Why is no one friends with Dracula? Answer: Because he's a pain in the neck.

Question: What is the leading cause of dry skin? Answer: Towels

Question: Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? Answer: They were cooked in Greece.

Question: Where did Captain Hook get his hook? Answer: From a second hand store.

Question: Where do young cows eat lunch? Answer: In the calf-ateria.

Question: How does a French skeleton say hello? Answer: Bone-jour.

Question: Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Answer: Because it was a cheetah.

Question: What do prisoners use to call each other? Answer: Cell phones.

Question: What’s E.T. short for? Answer: He’s only got little legs.

Question: What kind of award did the dentist receive? Answer: A little plaque.

Question: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? Answer: A Carrot.

Question: What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Answer: Sore arms.

Question: How do you organize a space party? Answer: You planet.

Question: How do you make holy water? Answer: You boil the hell out of it.

Question: What does an angry pepper do? Answer: It gets jalapeño face.

Question: Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit? Answer: Dad: Down.

Question: Did you hear about the submarine industry? Answer: It really took a dive...

Question: How do you get a baby alien to sleep? Answer: You rocket.

Question: Why do pirates not know the alphabet? Answer: They always get stuck at "C".

Question: Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? Answer: They had a reptile dysfunction.

Question: Why did the house go to the doctor? Answer: It was having window panes.

Question: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? Answer: High definition.

Question: How do robots eat guacamole? Answer: With computer chips.

Question: What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Answer: Dung!

Question: What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? Answer: A river.

Question: Why do crabs never give to charity? Answer: Because they’re shellfish.

Question: What do you call a pig with three eyes? Answer: Piiig

Question: How do you make a hankie dance? Answer: Put a little boogie in it.

Question: What don't watermelons get married? Answer: Because they cantaloupe.

Question: Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world? Answer: It was Legend-dairy!

Question: What do you call cheese by itself? Answer: Provolone.

Question: How do you fix a broken pizza? Answer: With tomato paste.

Question: What's red and bad for your teeth? Answer: A Brick.

Question: Why did the chicken get a penalty? Answer: For fowl play.

Question: Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? Answer: To prove that he was framed!

Question: Why do we tell actors to “break a leg? Answer: ” Because every play has a cast.

Question: How does a scientist freshen their breath? Answer: With experi-mints!

Question: What has ears but cannot hear? Answer: A field of corn.

Question: How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? Answer: He felt his presents.

Question: What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? Answer: An ion!

Question: What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Answer: Cool Ranch!

Question: Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? Answer: To prevent bat breath!

Question: Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet? Answer: It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Question: Why are fish so smart? Answer: Because they live in schools!

Question: How does the moon cut his hair? Answer: Eclipse it.

Question: Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Answer: Lack of concentration.

Question: How do you get two whales in a car? Answer: Start in England and drive West.

Question: What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto

Question: What did the ocean say to the shore? Answer: Nothing, it just waved.

Question: Did you hear the news? Answer: FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Question: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Answer: Because he is 2 square.

Question: Why did the m&m go to school? Answer: Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

Question: Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Answer: Now we just have to call him Dav.

Question: Why are basketball players messy eaters? Answer: Because they are always dribbling.

Question: Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Answer: Because it's indivisible.

Question: Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? Answer: They say the business is toast.

Question: What's black and white and read all over? Answer: The newspaper.

Question: Why are skeletons so calm? Answer: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Question: Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person? Answer: All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

Question: Why did the barber win the race? Answer: He took a short cut.

Question: Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Answer: Because it was well armed.

Question: What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg? Answer: Try icing it.

Question: What did the judge say to the dentist? Answer: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Question: "What time is it? Answer: " I don't know... it keeps changing.

Question: What are the strongest days of the week? Answer: Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

Question: Where does batman go to the bathroom? Answer: The batroom.

Question: What do you call a cow on a trampoline? Answer: A milk shake!

Question: What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Answer: Shakespeare.

Question: What do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Answer: Talonted!

Question: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Answer: A stick.

Question: What do you call a duck that gets all A's? Answer: A wise quacker.

Question: Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Answer: Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

Question: What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Answer: Ian.

Question: Why do fish live in salt water? Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Question: When do doctors get angry? Answer: When they run out of patients.

Question: What did the shy pebble wish for? Answer: That she was a little boulder.

Question: Why did the belt go to prison? Answer: He held up a pair of pants!

Question: What cheese can never be yours? Answer: Nacho cheese.

Question: What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Answer: A blood orange.

Question: Want to hear my pizza joke? Answer: Never mind, it's too cheesy.

Question: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? Answer: He let out a little wine.

Question: Why was the picture sent to prison? Answer: It was framed.

Question: How can you tell a vampire has a cold? Answer: They start coffin.

Question: "Hey, dad, did you get a haircut? Answer: " "No, I got them all cut."

Question: Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Answer: Because people are always dying to get in.

Question: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Answer: Same middle name.

Question: What kind of music do planets listen to? Answer: Nep-tunes.

Question: Why was the broom late for the meeting? Answer: He overswept.

Question: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Answer: Because they're so good at it.

Question: What do you call an alligator in a vest? Answer: An in-vest-igator!

Question: What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? Answer: She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

Question: What's brown and sticky? Answer: A stick.

Question: What biscuit does a short person like? Answer: Shortbread.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? Answer: Because he has low elf esteem.

Question: Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? Answer: So they could Scandinavian.

Question: Want to hear a chimney joke? Answer: Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

Question: What do you call a pig that knows karate? Answer: A pork chop!

Question: What's the worst thing about ancient history class? Answer: The teachers tend to Babylon.

Question: What type of music do balloons hate? Answer: Pop music!

Question: Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? Answer: In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Question: How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? Answer: He was a good conductor.

Question: How does Darth Vader like his toast? Answer: On the dark side.

Question: Why didn’t the orange win the race? Answer: It ran out of juice.

Question: Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? Answer: He just took it in stride

Question: What animal is always at a game of cricket? Answer: A bat.

Question: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Answer: Because he was a little horse!

Question: What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Answer: Bison.

Question: Why do bees have sticky hair? Answer: Because they use honey combs!

Question: Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Answer: Just in case you get a hole in one.

Question: How do the trees get on the internet? Answer: They log on.

Question: What is red and smells like blue paint? Answer: Red paint!

Question: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Answer: The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

Question: What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Answer: Boo jeans.

Question: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? Answer: They say he made a mint.

Question: What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Answer: Attire.

Question: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Answer: Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

Question: What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep? Answer: Matt.

Question: What did the calculator say to the student? Answer: You can count on me.

Question: What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones? Answer: Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.

Question: Have you heard about corduroy pillows? Answer: They're making headlines!