Question: Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jesus. JESUS WHO? Answer: Uhh you don’t know Jesus?

Question: My offspring came out as transgender last night Answer: As far as I’m concerned, I have no son

Question: If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke. Answer: I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either. IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE. dad jokes are clean, thats why they're ***dad*** jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes. I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.

Question: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark? Answer: " and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Question: An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, Answer: a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar.. The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.

Question: My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning Answer: It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

Question: My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" Answer: He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Question: My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3… Answer: I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘in charge of scheduling, I was’ My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.

Question: Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior. Answer: So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, he drinks and asks: -Thanks. How much do I owe you? -5 euros.

Question: The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... Answer: "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

Question: As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, Answer: “You know, one would have been enough.”

Question: What genre are national anthems? Answer: Country.

Question: Asked my son what he learned in school today. He said “Gay men like ynoS. Lesbians favour ahamaY, and transgender people prefer esoB. Answer: I knelt down and put my hand on his shoulder and said “Son, those are just backwards stereo types.”

Question: why does dracula always bite people in the neck? Answer: Because he's a neck romancer

Question: A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?" Answer: Slim to Nun? (Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

Question: I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Answer: Neil before me.

Question: FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight." Answer: Me: "But you already own her home." [Dad](https://www.reddit.com/u/psybermonkey15?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share): -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will." Credit to u/psybermonkey15

Question: I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad. Answer: I’m a faux pa.

Question: I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard Answer: But no pun in ten did.

Question: What’s on Chris Rock’s Face? Answer: Fresh Prints!

Question: Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of Answer: The Quaranteens

Question: WHO HAS 2 THUMBS AND IS AWESOME? Answer: [This guy.](http://www.reddit.com/user/me)

Question: I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. Answer: As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

Question: Why was 2019 afraid of 2020 Answer: Because they had a fight and 2021

Question: My wife said that everything on this subreddit was stupid, unfunny puns... Answer: But I made [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/98ei4l/otherwise) post yesterday that says otherwise. Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/98ovi1/it_all) says it all.

Question: A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months. Answer: The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you. Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy? Doctor: *deeply sighs* Denephew.

Question: If having sex for money makes you a whore, having sex for free makes you a Answer: Non profit whoreganization. 😓

Question: Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? Answer: They had a long conversation about bark. ​

Question: AITA for eating my coworker's lunch? Answer: Wait, wrong sub

Question: My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother. Answer: Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Question: My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” Answer: I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

Question: My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month... Answer: To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month. She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..." She's apparently been waiting a month for this set up

Question: My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" Answer: What a weird way to start a conversation..

Question: My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... Answer: She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again

Question: I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Answer: Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Question: My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. Answer: It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz. I am a Dad!

Question: A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer. Answer: The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”

Question: What the fuck has happened to this sub!? Answer: http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz

Question: I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" Answer: I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

Question: Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. Answer: There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Question: I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... Answer: “That’s just spam.”

Question: If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for? Answer: A stormtrooper.

Question: Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no-one ever mentions his sister, Answer: Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

Question: Hello everyone 23 (F) here. Answer: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Question: I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. Answer: I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Question: My dad just died. This isn’t a joke, I’m lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me: Answer: Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in. I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?

Question: BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name. Answer: Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

Question: My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... Answer: I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Question: BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.. Answer: In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

Question: There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting... Answer: He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Question: I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!” Answer: She is watching our wedding video again.

Question: Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed? Answer: I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

Question: The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. Answer: I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Question: Asked my son what he learned at school today. He said, “Gay men like Sony, lesbians favor Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose.” Answer: Kneeling down I put my hand on his shoulder and replied, “Son, those are just stereo types.”

Question: Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? Answer: To the I.C.U.

Question: My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. Answer: I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”

Question: My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…” Answer: “Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”

Question: TIL that the passengers of the missing Titanic sub should have been using a submarine certified to withstand 4000 meters of pressure, but are using a submarine that is only certified to withstand 1300 meters Answer: whoops wrong sub

Question: My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. Answer: I'll return.

Question: I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me. Answer: She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Question: If Jada Smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia Answer: then that’s hair loss

Question: My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type Answer: As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Question: Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. Answer: She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

Question: It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house... Answer: The difference is staggering

Question: Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it Answer: For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts. I said "hey look, an escaPEA" No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Question: My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night. Answer: Daughter: “Dad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?” Dad: *Puzzled, confused look* “Um, no…how?” Daughter: “They / them”. (They slash them) Dad: “I’m so proud”

Question: I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint. Answer: Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Question: As an American, it’s sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore Answer: I just bought this new TV and it says “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

Question: What has five toes but isn't your foot? Answer: My foot.

Question: Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent. Answer: So instead, a subreddit.

Question: The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. Answer: They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Question: I think i have a fetish for the last paragraph in an essay Answer: I just came to that conclusion

Question: I never understood why they named the show "SpongeBob" Answer: Patrick was literally the star of the show

Question: I asked my wife if I’m the only one she slept with Answer: She said “yes, all the other guys were at least a seven or an eight”

Question: How do you get a farm girl to marry you? Answer: First, a tractor.

Question: Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same Answer: 10+10=20 11+11=22

Question: I've just been accepted for a senior position at the Old McDonald's Farm.. Answer: I'll be the new CIEIO..

Question: I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. Answer: So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

Question: I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell. Answer: So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’

Question: OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today Answer: Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...” *pauses for effect* “...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Question: I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Answer: Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper!

Question: Said something to my doctor performing my vasectomy she had never heard. I'm disappointed in you all if you don't say it. Answer: So I'm laying on the table, pants off and ready to be snipped. The doctor makes sure all her tools are ready, then asks: "Are you ready Redbaron1701?" I responded with: "Sure. Go nuts." She had to step away from the table she was laughing so hard. She said no one jokes during their vasectomy, and she had never heard that one. Be better. Joke with your dick doc.

Question: We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...." Answer: "Stairs don't talk!"

Question: My wife called me a sex machine Answer: Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

Question: A chemist froze himself to -273.15°C and everyone called him crazy but personally, Answer: I think he was 0K

Question: "Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife. Answer: She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

Question: I just called GameStop Customer Service... Answer: They asked me to please Hold. 💎🤲

Question: My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. Answer: It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Question: My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars... Answer: ... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Question: This sub is going downhill Answer: [https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg)

Question: A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with, Answer: "Hola milk, soy dad."

Question: A chemist accidentally froze himself at -273.15C Answer: Don't worry though, he's 0K

Question: TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested. Answer: Sorry, wrong sub.

Question: My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... Answer: I told her that they /r/dadjokes…

Question: Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water. Answer: I was like well damn.

Question: NSFW jokes just don't really feel right in this sub Answer: I've been in this sub for a year or 2 and I absolutely love it. One thing that has kinda annoyed me is that NSFW jokes are posted here. Don't get me wrong I don't hate them, I usually like them it just feels out of place; they feel more suited for r/unclejokes. Maybe this is just me seeing dad jokes as more child like or dorky puns not as more adult only type of jokes. I definitely understand if this is an unpopular opinion but it has just been something I have noticed since I have been on the sub.

Question: My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!" Answer: "I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

Question: I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…” Answer: “It’s to look at.”

Question: My 16yo son was on a long video chat with his girlfriend and wouldn't come out of his room for dinner. I barged in and yelled: Answer: "Son, I got ya that hemroid cream you asked for." He died laughing. His girlfriend died laughing. His girlfriend's mom was on screen in the background, she died laughing. It was a good hit. Glad I he's dating a girl who saw the humor in it.

Question: Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? Answer: For hispanic attacks

Question: Did you hear about the italian chef that died? Answer: He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️ Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

Question: In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing. Answer: Every one reading this is on the same page.

Question: My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?” Answer: I said, “Where did that come from?”

Question: Groaned a whole store with this one. Answer: I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked: "I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!" To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation." The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

Question: The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. Answer: My thoughts are with his family.

Question: My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.” Answer: “She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

Question: Why was my post removed? Answer: Can someone tell me why my post was removed? I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over

Question: I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes Answer: My doctor says it’s terminal

Question: I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. Answer: That was a trip down memory lane.

Question: Got a new tattoo Answer: My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

Question: For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office. Answer: I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

Question: Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post. Answer: This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

Question: My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..." Answer: "...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

Question: My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.” Answer: That’s not a good sign.

Question: I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform... Answer: straightaway I knew he was a keeper

Question: WHO HAS 2 THUMBS AND IS AWESOME? Answer: [This guy.](http://www.reddit.com/user/me)

Question: My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?” Answer: I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!

Question: I saw a midget wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it... Answer: I thought to myself... "that's a little racist"

Question: AITA for eating my coworker's subway? Answer: Oops, wrong sub!

Question: SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means. Answer: I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke. Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Question: Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon Answer: Me why?

Question: The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?" Answer: Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

Question: Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” Answer: That was the punchline.

Question: My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said... Answer: "I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

Question: My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. Answer: So I packed up my stuff and right.

Question: I was named after my dad Answer: Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him

Question: Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together, Answer: ...would be preposterous

Question: I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Answer: Good players are hard to find.

Question: I apologise if this isn't allowed. Answer: New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

Question: My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. Answer: But I will recover.

Question: Which 5 letter body part is long and flexible and contains the letters P, E, N, I and S? Answer: Spine

Question: Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up... Answer: Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out

Question: My 9-year-old daughter just made a dad joke to be super proud of! Answer: My 15 year old asked me to call the dog. Me: What should I call him?! 15: ugh, dad, call him by his name! Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him? 9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID! I couldn't be more proud of that child!

Question: Do you think anyone has ever slapped Dwayne Johnson on the butt and then proclaimed, "well I've hit rock bottom" Answer: Edit: get consent people "Mr. Rock, may I slap your behind for the sake of an amazing pun that the people will remember for years to come"

Question: How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime? Answer: They just ransomware.

Question: I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..." Answer: “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Question: A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night Answer: oof

Question: I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop Answer: "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Question: Seriously, Wtf happened to this Sub? Answer: http://imgur.com/a/CkdlJ

Question: If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times, Answer: Because sin 90 = cot 45.

Question: Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses... Answer: My how the stables have turned.

Question: My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name... Answer: So I called her Bluff...

Question: I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them. Answer: I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

Question: My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. Answer: I have had a Canon printer for years.

Question: Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old Answer: Those are the years you’re in your prime

Question: I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” Answer: I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Question: Trump and Musk are on a plane. Answer: Trump says to Elon, "I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make 1 person happy, tremendous happiness, happiest ever!" Musk replies "I could drop 100 $1 notes to the ground and make 100 people happy!" The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!"

Question: TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys Answer: When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

Question: A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” Answer: “I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

Question: I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. Answer: It’s my jingle bell rock.

Question: A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles Answer: But today he ran over 5 Miles

Question: If the Super Bowl went into overtime, does that mean the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide? Answer: I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case.

Question: Which African country is TESLA founder Elon Musk from? Answer: Mad-at-gas-car, obviously. (It just came to me and I had to share it. I'm so sorry)

Question: A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out... Answer: So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

Question: In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged. Answer: This is a running joke.

Question: There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes. Answer: It's a faux pa.

Question: So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud... Answer: She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

Question: I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!" Answer: "When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Question: My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they’ll marry eachother. Answer: Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!

Question: What is the least spoken language in the world? Answer: Sign Language

Question: So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?" Answer: Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.

Question: I have a fetish for figuring things out Answer: I just came to that realization

Question: My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. Answer: So I have an uncle, once removed.

Question: My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!” Answer: I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

Question: Why do ducks have feathers? Answer: To cover up their butt quacks.

Question: I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction. Answer: It was a total flop.......and nobody came

Question: I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure Answer: About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."

Question: A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " .. Answer: .. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

Question: Ya know, what this sub really needs is more water Answer: http://i.imgur.com/BO1guSD.jpg

Question: What’s better than a Dad bod? Answer: A father figure.

Question: I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also... Answer: ...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Question: When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Answer: Turns out identity theft is a crime

Question: I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. Answer: I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Question: My very first dad joke as an actual dad. Answer: *On the day my daughter was born* Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

Question: A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay". Answer: I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning". #

Question: I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant. Answer: I never got a straight answer.

Question: It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries. Answer: Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Question: Ani is short for Anikan, Obi is short for Obi Wan Kenobi, then what's Luke short for? Answer: A stormtrooper.

Question: Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?" Answer: Me: "Word".

Question: I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead. Answer: I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Question: I have finally made it Answer: I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

Question: My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" Answer: What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Question: If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. Answer: It will be a sadder day.

Question: If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only... Answer: ...would they have to change their name to Knockers?

Question: Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is? Answer: Mentos.

Question: My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother. Answer: Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Question: I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” Answer: I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Question: What has two butts and kills people? Answer: An assassin

Question: I asked my wife “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?” And you know what she said? Answer: “Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!”

Question: Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks Answer: I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Question: My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!” Answer: I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

Question: My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them. Answer: He is my cousin, twice [removed]

Question: My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?” Answer: He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

Question: Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old Answer: I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte". I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window

Question: Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him. Answer: Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush. Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke? Dad: Knock Knock. Me: Who’s there?

Question: What starts with a W, and has 3 letters, but ends with a T Answer: I'm not asking

Question: 8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, - Answer: "It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

Question: Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes... Answer: You need to let that mango.

Question: Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… Answer: But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

Question: To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart. Answer: Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

Question: A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. Answer: .... It was a shitzu.

Question: I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong. Answer: He’ll come around, eventually.

Question: My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" Answer: I know he means well

Question: True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in. Answer: "Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing." Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

Question: 3 unwritten rules of life... Answer: 1. 2. 3.

Question: I'd never let my children watch the orchestra Answer: There's too much sax and violins *Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver*

Question: What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox? Answer: Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

Question: Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there" Answer: I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.

Question: I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. Answer: It was hard to differentiate between them.

Question: I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. Answer: This is as close as I could get.

Question: I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it. Answer: It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

Question: What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot? Answer: Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Question: My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American. Answer: I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Question: From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?" Answer: "I don't know, bud, what?" "Your legs." Well done, kid.

Question: Just happened: 18yo daughter: "Dad, can I borrow your studfinder to bring to work tomorrow, we need to hang a shelf." Answer: Me: "Sure. But you'll have to check your mother's calendar to see if she's free." Blank stare. I stare back. Then she gets it. Epic eye roll. (Dad wins again with a classic).

Question: If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen” Answer: They get really pissed off.

Question: Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” Answer: Son; “Go on, then.” Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Son; “That’s Superman.” Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Question: My 8 year old daughter just came up with this: What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Answer: Bruised Wayne.

Question: I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word. Answer: I can’t express how angry that makes me.

Question: A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks Answer: "woof" guy replies

Question: Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. Answer: Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.

Question: What color is the wind?? Answer: Blew!

Question: I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it... Answer: Just in case there’s a salad dressing

Question: The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Answer: Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Question: I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159. Answer: Then it just CLIX.

Question: I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer. Answer: And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Question: A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak. Answer: They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part. They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion." The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

Question: What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? Answer: HDMI

Question: Can w‌‌e b‌‌an “‌‌Yo M‌‌omma” j‌‌okes? Answer: T‌‌hey’re o‌‌ld, s‌‌tupid, a‌‌nd h‌‌ave b‌‌een d‌‌one b‌‌y l‌‌iterally e‌‌veryone h‌‌undreds o‌‌f t‌‌imes Just l‌‌ike y‌‌o momma

Question: What do you call a typo on a headstone? Answer: A grave mistake.

Question: If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN Answer: They get really upset.

Question: My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet Answer: Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have" Proud dad moment!

Question: My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school. Answer: I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Question: Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza". Answer: Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Question: I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house. Answer: Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.

Question: My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!” Answer: “I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Question: William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie. Answer: Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

Question: Three dinosaurs come across a magical lamp. Answer: The first dinosaur rubs it and a genie appears. "I have three wishes. One for each of you," the genie says. The first dinosaur doesn't hesitate before his request "All right, I'll have a big, juicy piece of meat." Immediately, a big, juicy piece of meat appears in front of him. Instantly envious, the second dinosaur speaks up. "Well, I want a shower of meat!" As soon as he utters his wish, a shower of meat rains down upon him. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone, has to think for a second about what could possibly be better than a shower of meat. "Aha, I've got it!" he proclaims. "I'll have a meatier shower!"

Question: What is the least spoken language in the world? Answer: Sign language

Question: A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Answer: The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

Question: What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision? Answer: I just want to know the cutoff date.

Question: Gonorrhea would've been a great name for diarrhea medicine Answer: Change my [pants] mind.

Question: True Story Answer: My wife and I went to the hospital today for our final follow up after she had a miscarriage earlier this week (sad face). The room was full of 2 nurses, 2 interns doing residencies, and our doctor. He told us the good news that we can start trying again as soon as we’re ready. I immediately replied “well can you give us the room or do you want to stick around and watch?” That got a real belly laugh from everyone, including my wife, and broke up a lot of the tension in the room. Just thought I would share this dad (to be) joke

Question: “Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?” Answer: Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

Question: Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. That's it. Answer: The last straw.

Question: Genie: What is your final wish? Boy: I wish I were you. Answer: Genue: weurd but alrught.

Question: My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here! Answer: What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks! I am so proud of her!

Question: Dad died 17 years ago, but mom takes on the responsibility Answer: http://imgur.com/48pSnFZ

Question: I told my 3yr old daughter "I'm tired." Answer: "Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.

Question: My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill Answer: So I sent him a "get well soon" card

Question: I dislike karma whores who make posts that imply it's their cake day, simply for upvotes. Answer: I won't be doing that today!

Question: What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine? Answer: A quarterback.

Question: I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. Answer: The look on his face was priceless.

Question: I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..." Answer: "It’s pasture bedtime!”

Question: On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.” Answer: Push and Pull.

Question: What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old) Answer: Air-vrything. I'm so proud.

Question: My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else.... Answer: my birthday would be 24/7

Question: Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Answer: Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Question: I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..." Answer: "It’s pasture bedtime!”

Question: A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners. Answer: She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

Question: What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? Answer: A shoe..

Question: My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen. Answer: Shit. Wrong thread.

Question: I got an email from Google saying "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought; Answer: "That's just spam!"

Question: When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” Answer: “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Question: We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius... Answer: But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

Question: Lance is an uncommon name nowdays Answer: But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot

Question: After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room. Answer: But she still won't admit she framed me.

Question: If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN Answer: You get them VERY ANGRY

Question: For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away... Answer: **a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away**

Question: Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. Answer: Thereisnospacebar.

Question: A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” Answer: I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

Question: If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say? Answer: Thanks for the Baghdad!

Question: eBay is so useless Answer: I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

Question: So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body... Answer: ...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

Question: I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary. Answer: I learned next to nothing.

Question: I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory Answer: I’ll beheading there shortly

Question: Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale. Answer: Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired! Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.

Question: This subreddit is 10 years old now. Answer: I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Question: My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character. Answer: My daughter Chewbacca not so much

Question: Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said... Answer: Once upon a time there was this lobster...

Question: I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. Answer: She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.

Question: For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office. Answer: I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

Question: I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Answer: "Which doctor?" she asked. "No, the regular kind."

Question: My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did Answer: Daughter: "Quarantine." Me: . . . Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

Question: How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents? Answer: One Buck.

Question: The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?" Answer: Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

Question: I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative. Answer: I'm about to start a religious movement.

Question: A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. Answer: After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

Question: My WiFi password is "writtenontherouter"... Answer: ..and I let all my guest walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

Question: Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos Answer: She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

Question: Justice is a dish best served cold Answer: Because if it were served warm it would be justwater

Question: My wife left me because of my gambling addiction Answer: But I know I can win her back

Question: Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st? Answer: Because it's only the first date

Question: I asked my wife if I was the only one she ever slept with. She said yes. Answer: The others were either sevens or eights.

Question: My best dad joke... I did it to my wife Answer: I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B". I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!" She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll. It was great! I'm 42 btw.

Question: My name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Answer: It’s pronounced “Noel.”

Question: The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... Answer: "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

Question: The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. Answer: He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

Question: Customer: Do you have any copies of that book for men with small penises? Answer: Book Store Employee: I don’t know if it’s in yet. Customer: Yes! That’s the one!

Question: 79% of people don’t know opposite words for the following: Answer: 1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

Question: British people be like: I'm bri ish Answer: I guess they drank the t

Question: My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so Answer: A subreddit.

Question: My 8 year old pulled this on me Answer: Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good. —

Question: This sub is disappointing me lately. Answer: I'm going to try the meatball next time.

Question: A man is staying in a hotel. Answer: He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

Question: Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order... Answer: Riceless

Question: If you could get rid of one race which one would it be and why? Answer: I would get rid of the marathon. Running 26.2 miles is just crazy!

Question: My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!" Answer: She said to me, "I'm not stallin" And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.' I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

Question: Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Answer: Man: Wait. I can explain everything!

Question: My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose. Answer: I was being transparent.

Question: My wife left me cause Im too insecure Answer: Never mind she was just at the grocery store

Question: The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Answer: Now I have stable wifi.

Question: The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Answer: Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Question: Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds. Answer: I’m proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!

Question: My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Answer: Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”

Question: My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes. Answer: Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Question: Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. Answer: Edit: Thanks for my first ever Gold! I have no idea what it does but it sure is shiny =]

Question: As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. Answer: I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

Question: What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Answer: Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

Question: A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" Answer: "For drinking." replies the cop. "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

Question: My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water" Answer: She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

Question: What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Answer: "Are you having a crisis?"

Question: It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods Answer: But its harder to deter gents

Question: My wife asked me "Is having a penis fun?" Answer: I said, "It has it's ups and downs."

Question: I married my wife for her looks Answer: Just not the ones she been giving me lately. Thanks for the silver ❤️

Question: Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy. Answer: He’s my spirit guide.

Question: My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . . Answer: It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

Question: Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19" Answer: My response: "144? That's a gross"

Question: A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay". Answer: I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

Question: Why didn’t 4 ask out 5? Answer: He was 2^2

Question: I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought Answer: Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy

Question: I just had a near sex experience. Answer: My wife flashed before my eyes.

Question: I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. Answer: I watched it all unfold.

Question: My son told me he didn't understand cloning. Answer: I told him, 'that makes two of us'.

Question: What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? Answer: HDMI

Question: What did 2n+1 say to 2n? Answer: I literally can't even

Question: What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it? Answer: Envelope.

Question: Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other? Answer: Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

Question: Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? Answer: Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Question: If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for? Answer: Plastic explosives.

Question: My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes. Answer: I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

Question: Sex in an elevator is wrong. Answer: On so many levels.

Question: I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. Answer: I call it my Trail Mix

Question: The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week Answer: Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

Question: How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms? Answer: The scientific experiments altered his jeans

Question: My 10 Year Old "Dad Joked" Me This Weekend Answer: He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?" I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure." As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile. I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence. \*edit/update\* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.

Question: I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.” Answer: The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

Question: Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media. Answer: w**H**o the h**E**ll would be**L**ieve such a thing can hap**P**en.

Question: A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. Answer: These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Question: My 77 year old dad said this last night Answer: So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

Question: If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed Answer: I’d have $8.40.

Question: I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!" Answer: Such a random way to start a conversation.

Question: Burnt my hawaiian pizza today... Answer: Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

Question: I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic. Answer: There would be six feet between us.

Question: Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type. Answer: At least he told us to be positive.

Question: Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in... Answer: ...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Question: How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Answer: Add Spring Water.

Question: Why won't swords go obsolete? Answer: They are cutting edge technology.

Question: The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Answer: Now I have stable wifi.

Question: What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas? Answer: Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

Question: A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments. Answer: That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Question: A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?" Answer: She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

Question: I have decided to make a subreddit for people who have an interest in farting during sex Answer: It's called r/interestingasfuck .

Question: From my 5-year-old son: "Hey" Answer: True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey." I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?" He responds, "it's dead grass." I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?" . . . He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

Question: To every last man out there celebrating Fathers Day... [NSFW] Answer: All of you are real mother fuckers.

Question: Apparently not a joke Answer: I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Question: My Daughter turned 18 over the weekend, so I bought her a locket with a picture of herself inside. Thankfully, she's now finally.. Answer: Independent..

Question: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Answer: Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

Question: Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face". Answer: That was the punchline

Question: What did the ghost say to the beehive? Answer: Boobees

Question: What did the sushi say to the bee? Answer: Wasabi

Question: What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? Answer: A mathemachicken

Question: Which is faster, hot or cold? Answer: Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Question: I was gonna tell a time traveling joke. Answer: But you guys didn't like it.

Question: Having sex on a regular basis helps keep memory alive! Answer: I wish everyone a happy 2016.

Question: An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday. Answer: My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much." My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry." I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

Question: Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown? Answer: They are key workers

Question: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer Answer: The bartender says we don't serve food here

Question: No one in Antarctica has COVID-19 Answer: It's because they are ice-o-lated.

Question: A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry." Answer: “Those are just contractions.”

Question: What do you call LGBTQ people who are crazy? Answer: People who can’t think straight

Question: My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Answer: Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly." She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

Question: I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for weeks now Answer: http://imgur.com/a/3XNNs Got some of them from here

Question: Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good Answer: Jack and the beans talk

Question: My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" Answer: What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Question: How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

Question: my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. Answer: I know he means well.

Question: “Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?” Answer: Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

Question: What’s the Fastest Growing City on Earth? Answer: The capital of Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

Question: Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? Answer: For Hispanic attacks

Question: I just had sex with a blind woman. She said I've got the biggest dick she's ever felt. I said stop, Answer: You're pulling my leg.

Question: Yesterday my wife completed a 36-week body building program Answer: It's a baby girl, 8 pounds, 2 ounces. I'm a Dad!

Question: Got my girlfriend with this earlier Answer: we're heading through grocery store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says "Ooh! Mentos!" "I already have Mentos." "Really? Where?" "On my men feet!"

Question: I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids. Answer: When I got home, they were still there.

Question: Due to COVID-19, Germany is running out of sausages and cheese. Answer: The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Question: Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark? Answer: In the Ark Hives.

Question: My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?" Answer: "Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.

Question: Why was 69 afraid of 70? Answer: Because they had a fight and 71.

Question: Justice is a dish best served cold Answer: If it were served warm it would be justwater.

Question: Since it’s the Fourth of July, I just told my daughters they were named after George Washington. Answer: About 280 years after to be precise.

Question: When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.” Answer: “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Question: A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke" Answer: The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"

Question: Why isn't holy water used in vaccines? Answer: Because you can't take the lord's name in vein. Credit to my brother.

Question: I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them. Answer: I can tell when they're standing too.

Question: I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?” Answer: I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”

Question: My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal. Answer: The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Question: Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear. Answer: Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on. Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right? Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car" Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok" Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead" The door shuts, my jaw dropped. I run to the door, open it, "Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!" She replies only with a smirk. I'm so proud.

Question: It this sub dead? Answer: There hasn't been a post all year!

Question: What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank? Answer: Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Question: So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?" Answer: One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

Question: If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get “Gnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means... Answer: Absolutely nothing.

Question: When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it. Answer: I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Question: My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" Answer: Wife: "Whatever means necessary," Me: "No it doesn't”

Question: What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer? Answer: One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Question: My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. Answer: But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Question: I love telling dad jokes. Answer: Sometimes he laughs.

Question: Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time? Answer: They only have a pair of trunks. -my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

Question: Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’? Answer: Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

Question: Our oldest has been obsessed with the new God of War. When he got home from school, I said "did you hear that they have two more games planned?" Answer: His face lit up and he asked "really?" "Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors." He is currently not speaking to me.

Question: A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. Answer: He disappeared without a tres.

Question: How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: You wanna ride bikes?

Question: I bought my friend an Elephant for her room... Answer: She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

Question: My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough. Answer: Saw it coming a kilometer away.

Question: My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen. Answer: Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.