Why don't crabs ever give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Animal Jokes
The groan-worthiest dad jokes about animals — rated by the community.
185 jokesWhy did the snake go to the doctor?
Because he had a frog in his throat.
Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?
It's impossible to put down.
Do you know what the loudest pet is?
A trumpet.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
Bison
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Hear about the lazy kangaroo?
He was a real pouch potato.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
What's more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What do you call two barracuda fish?
A Pairacuda!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.
When will the little snake arrive?
I don't know but he won't be long...
Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated arrr!
Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What do you call a snake who builds houses?
A boa constructor!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a pineapple?
A porky pine
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Why do cows not have toes?
They lactose!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
Because it's bound to squeal.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles!
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Where’s the bin?
Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur protection.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowtain.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
What does a female snake use for support?
A co-Bra!
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
“My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?
” “Awful”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why are snake races so exciting?
They're always neck and neck.
What do bees do after they are married?
They go on a honeymoon.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
what happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
A woolly jumper!
Have you heard about the owl sanctuary job opening?
It’s all night shifts but they’re all a hoot over there.
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.
What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5000 miles.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A fowl smell!
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Where do cats write notes?
Scratch Paper!
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
Whats a penguins favorite relative?
Aunt Arctica.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-tastrophe.
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes?
The owlet malls.
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
Why did the feline fail the lie detector test?
Because he be lion.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple?
Finding half a worm in your Apple.
Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?
Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.
Ever wondered why bees hum?
It's because they don't know the words.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn!
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Why did the chicken get a penalty?
For fowl play.
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An ion!
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you call a beehive without the b's?
An eehive.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke.
I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either. IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE. dad jokes are clean, thats why they're ***dad*** jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes. I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese,
a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar.. The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark. ​
My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month...
To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month. She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..." She's apparently been waiting a month for this set up
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
TIL that the passengers of the missing Titanic sub should have been using a submarine certified to withstand 4000 meters of pressure, but are using a submarine that is only certified to withstand 1300 meters
whoops wrong sub
As an American, it’s sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore
I just bought this new TV and it says “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I've just been accepted for a senior position at the Old McDonald's Farm..
I'll be the new CIEIO..
I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at!
Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper!
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
Sorry, wrong sub.
NSFW jokes just don't really feel right in this sub
I've been in this sub for a year or 2 and I absolutely love it. One thing that has kinda annoyed me is that NSFW jokes are posted here. Don't get me wrong I don't hate them, I usually like them it just feels out of place; they feel more suited for r/unclejokes. Maybe this is just me seeing dad jokes as more child like or dorky puns not as more adult only type of jokes. I definitely understand if this is an unpopular opinion but it has just been something I have noticed since I have been on the sub.
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked: "I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!" To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation." The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
AITA for eating my coworker's subway?
Oops, wrong sub!
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
My 9-year-old daughter just made a dad joke to be super proud of!
My 15 year old asked me to call the dog. Me: What should I call him?! 15: ugh, dad, call him by his name! Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him? 9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID! I couldn't be more proud of that child!
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
It's a faux pa.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover up their butt quacks.
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
I personally am on the fence
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte". I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
.... It was a shitzu.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing." Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.” Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Son; “That’s Superman.” Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
"woof" guy replies
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Gonorrhea would've been a great name for diarrhea medicine
Change my [pants] mind.
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!
What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks! I am so proud of her!
I told my 3yr old daughter "I'm tired."
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"It’s pasture bedtime!”
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"It’s pasture bedtime!”
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
**a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away**
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately. Thanks for the silver ❤️
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
w**H**o the h**E**ll would be**L**ieve such a thing can hap**P**en.
What did the ghost say to the beehive?
Boobees
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much." My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry." I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for weeks now
http://imgur.com/a/3XNNs Got some of them from here
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
In the Ark Hives.
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
It this sub dead?
There hasn't been a post all year!
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks. -my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Our oldest has been obsessed with the new God of War. When he got home from school, I said "did you hear that they have two more games planned?"
His face lit up and he asked "really?" "Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors." He is currently not speaking to me.
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
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