If I asked you to choose your favorite feature, would you...

...pick your nose?

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?

They mostly wrap.

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A Car.

Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

What does a pirate pay for his corn?

A buccaneer!

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrr!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

Why do pirates not know the alphabet?

They always get stuck at "C".

How does a scientist freshen their breath?

With experi-mints!

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?

Because it's indivisible.

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?

All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?

Talonted!

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

They start coffin.

What kind of music do planets listen to?

Nep-tunes.

Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?

So they could Scandinavian.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no-one ever mentions his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

I never understood why they named the show "SpongeBob"

Patrick was literally the star of the show

Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”

I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours

They called it a day

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you’re in your prime

Trump and Musk are on a plane.

Trump says to Elon, "I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make 1 person happy, tremendous happiness, happiest ever!" Musk replies "I could drop 100 $1 notes to the ground and make 100 people happy!" The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!"

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop.......and nobody came

I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

What starts with a W, and has 3 letters, but ends with a T

I'm not asking

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

Just happened: 18yo daughter: "Dad, can I borrow your studfinder to bring to work tomorrow, we need to hang a shelf."

Me: "Sure. But you'll have to check your mother's calendar to see if she's free." Blank stare. I stare back. Then she gets it. Epic eye roll. (Dad wins again with a classic).

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”

They get really pissed off.

My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won't admit she framed me.

My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.

How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans

My 77 year old dad said this last night

So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed

I’d have $8.40.

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

My Daughter turned 18 over the weekend, so I bought her a locket with a picture of herself inside. Thankfully, she's now finally..

Independent..

A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

“Those are just contractions.”

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...