What's the difference between the moon and a cheeseburger?

The moon is in the sky, a cheeseburger is in THIS guy. (Points to belly)

Why did the pizza cutter get a speeding ticket?

Because he was rounding the corner too fast.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese.

Did you hear about the restaurant they're building on the moon?

The food is supposed to be great, but there's no atmosphere.

Have you heard the pizza joke that's going around the internet?

It's a little cheesy.

A man went to the doctor. He had a cucumber in one ear. A hot dog in the other ear. And two carrots stuck up his nose. He asked the doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor said:

"I don't think you're eating properly."

How many apples grow on an apple tree?

All of them.

What did one nut say as he chased another nut?

I'm a cashew!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?

Ketchup.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He was not "peeling" well.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit?

Because they are made to concentrate.

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?

I’ll ketch up

Why don't sharks eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What did one snowman say to the other snow man?

Do you smell carrot?

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?

Because they might peel!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATH!!

How do hens stay fit?

They always egg-cercise!

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonaid.

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them!

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me!

Why can't eggs have love?

They will break up too soon.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?

It's jarring.

What did the piece of bread say to the knife?

Butter me up.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up

Where do hamburgers go to dance?

The meat-ball.

Did you hear the one about the giant pickle?

He was kind of a big dill.

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Why did the cookie cry?

It was feeling crumby.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

What is bread's favorite number?

Leaven.

How do you teach a kid to climb stairs?

There is a step by step guide.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

Why was the strawberry sad?

Its parents were in a jam.

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?

A: Pasta la vista, baby!

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds!

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

Why does Superman get invited to dinners?

Because he is a Supperhero.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Where do young cows eat lunch?

In the calf-ateria.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

Sore arms.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What does an angry pepper do?

It gets jalapeño face.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?

" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

What don't watermelons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world?

It was Legend-dairy!

What do you call cheese by itself?

Provolone.

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A blood orange.

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long

Want to hear my pizza joke?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He let out a little wine.

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

Why didn’t the orange win the race?

It ran out of juice.

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?

" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, he drinks and asks: -Thanks. How much do I owe you? -5 euros.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun? (Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

AITA for eating my coworker's lunch?

Wait, wrong sub

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts. I said "hey look, an escaPEA" No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,

"Hola milk, soy dad."

My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

My 16yo son was on a long video chat with his girlfriend and wouldn't come out of his room for dinner. I barged in and yelled:

"Son, I got ya that hemroid cream you asked for." He died laughing. His girlfriend died laughing. His girlfriend's mom was on screen in the background, she died laughing. It was a good hit. Glad I he's dating a girl who saw the humor in it.

Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️ Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...

She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"

Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.

I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...

You need to let that mango.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part. They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion." The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Three dinosaurs come across a magical lamp.

The first dinosaur rubs it and a genie appears. "I have three wishes. One for each of you," the genie says. The first dinosaur doesn't hesitate before his request "All right, I'll have a big, juicy piece of meat." Immediately, a big, juicy piece of meat appears in front of him. Instantly envious, the second dinosaur speaks up. "Well, I want a shower of meat!" As soon as he utters his wish, a shower of meat rains down upon him. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone, has to think for a second about what could possibly be better than a shower of meat. "Aha, I've got it!" he proclaims. "I'll have a meatier shower!"

I dislike karma whores who make posts that imply it's their cake day, simply for upvotes.

I won't be doing that today!

What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Air-vrything. I'm so proud.

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”

I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

My best dad joke... I did it to my wife

I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B". I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!" She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll. It was great! I'm 42 btw.

My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

This sub is disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatball next time.

Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless

My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"

She said to me, "I'm not stallin" And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.' I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop. "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

But its harder to deter gents

My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .

It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought

Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix

The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”

Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.

Apparently not a joke

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A mathemachicken

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says we don't serve food here

Due to COVID-19, Germany is running out of sausages and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”

I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”