Why did the carpenter leave the lumber store?

Because he got bored.

Why did the ghost buy a box of bandages?

Because he had so many BOO BOOs.

Hear about the guy that got fired from the calendar factory?

He took too many days off.

Hear about the guy that wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants?

He couldn't find them anywhere.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.

Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work?

Because he's used to working with a flue.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Nah, I'm still working on it.

Why do nurses carry around red crayons?

Sometimes they need to draw blood.

What did the sea say to the sand?

"We have to stop meeting like this."

Why did the miner get fired from his job?

He took it for granite...

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash!

Where does astronauts hangout after work?

At the spacebar.

What's the best thing about elevator jokes?

They work on so many levels.

What kind of award did the dentist receive?

A little plaque.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

He overswept.

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

If having sex for money makes you a whore, having sex for free makes you a

Non profit whoreganization. 😓

My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”

I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?” I HAVE WON THE DAY

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they’ll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!

My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

*On the day my daughter was born* Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word".

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word"

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

True Story

My wife and I went to the hospital today for our final follow up after she had a miscarriage earlier this week (sad face). The room was full of 2 nurses, 2 interns doing residencies, and our doctor. He told us the good news that we can start trying again as soon as we’re ready. I immediately replied “well can you give us the room or do you want to stick around and watch?” That got a real belly laugh from everyone, including my wife, and broke up a lot of the tension in the room. Just thought I would share this dad (to be) joke

“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

I’ll beheading there shortly

Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired! Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine." Me: . . . Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

Customer: Do you have any copies of that book for men with small penises?

Book Store Employee: I don’t know if it’s in yet. Customer: Yes! That’s the one!

My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.

I was being transparent.

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear.

Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on. Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right? Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car" Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok" Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead" The door shuts, my jaw dropped. I run to the door, open it, "Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!" She replies only with a smirk. I'm so proud.

What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.