How do trees get on the internet?

They log on.

I couldn't figure out the seat belts in my new car...

...but then it clicked.

Why was the robot angry?

Because someone kept pressing his buttons!

What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?

1forest1

What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

They both become useless when you open windows.

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look, no hands!

Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?

So you feel write at home.

What do I look like?

A JOKE MACHINE!?

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

How do the trees get on the internet?

They log on.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz. I am a Dad!

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’

My wife called me a sex machine

Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.

William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.

Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

I got an email from Google saying "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought;

"That's just spam!"

My WiFi password is "writtenontherouter"...

..and I let all my guest walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.

Man: Wait. I can explain everything!

The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

My 10 Year Old "Dad Joked" Me This Weekend

He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?" I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure." As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile. I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence. \*edit/update\* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.

Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

Yesterday my wife completed a 36-week body building program

It's a baby girl, 8 pounds, 2 ounces. I'm a Dad!

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.